The last week has been a hard one. I went to the doctor for my 2 month checkup to see how I was doing being on prozac for the 1st time ever. I hate going to the doctor no matter how much positive talk I tell myself or calming techniques I use, I always get super anxious.

This time was no different. In spite of trying to be more active and exercise I have lost 0 weight. In fact I’ve actually put on another pound. Strike one.

We went over how I’ve been feeling. Better! With some side effects since being put on 20mg of generic prozac. I thought I was managing my depression until getting on prozac. Boy! was I wrong.

Initially it took awhile to feel the effects. I started it at a really, really low place. I had read that it takes awhile to work so it didn’t surprise me that I felt worse before I felt better. When it did finally take off it was a night to day difference. I have been so, so thankful!

This last visit to the doctor she decided after talking with me to bump it up to 40mg to see if it helped with the anxiety. I have been taking the 40mg for about a wk. now, and I am struggling.

I feel depressed again, lethargic, foggy, and have had a nagging headache 3 of the days that I’ve increased my dose. I’m trying to be patient and give my body time to adjust. My brain is in hyperactive mode though worried is this normal, why am I feeling worse? No! I was feeling better, panic! I feel like I’m going crazy. I’m stressing myself out and I am hypervigilent about every change of mood I’m experiencing or emotion I’m feeling. I feel like I’m second guessing everything!

So I’m trying to hang in there, and ride it out. I’m trying to love myself through this difficult patch instead of being angry at myself that I just can’t muscle my way through this. I cling to my Savior in prayer. This is the journey of mental health. Having the best intentions in seeking help but no help is perfect. Accepting the challenges along the way is part of it. Here’s to the journey! Tomorrow is hopefully a brighter day!

“We have this Hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure in our Saviour’s love.” Hebrews 6:19

Our hope for a future is in God. No if and or buts about it, but we also have a responsibility to set ourselves up for success by having a plan in place. When your super anxious or depressed or just having a bad day you often don’t think beyond yourself or beyond the moment your in. If your in a good place today. Sit down and develop a game plan for when things hit you hard and bring you down. What speaks to your soul? Are you a danger to yourself? Do you need to be in the company of others? or do you recharge best when your alone?

Here is a list of some suggestions, everyone is different. So think about what you feel grounds and connects you.

• For me, pray! get all the yuck out and just pour your heart out to God.
• Journal and read my Bible.
• Hydrate! Yep, that good old H2O. Being dehydrated can really mess with your head and body! Make sure your staying hydrated.
• Step outside or go to a park, just be in fresh air and focus on the sights and smells around you.
• Watch a favorite movie
• Work on a project you’ve really been wanting to do for a long time. Even if that means just going and getting needed supplies. You will feel a sense of accomplishment.
• Listen to music, sing, dance, be silly. Even if its just you dancing in your head. It will bring a smile to your face.
• Call trusted family member or friends.
• Do something out of character for yourself. Sometimes mental funk is simply from the boredom of being stuck in a rut.
• Go hang out at a favorite place. Library, coffe shop, antique store.
• Hang out with your favorite pet. Snuggle, take them for a walk, play fetch, or even groom them. Your pet is an awesome source of unconditional love!
• Try making a new recipie! or if you don’t enjoy cooking take yourself to a restaurant you’ve been meaning to try, and try something new!
• Take a nap! maybe your body is just worn out. Make a comforting cocoon of blankets put on a sleepy time music track, a relaxing aromatherapy scent in your diffuser, close the curtains and nap like a baby.
• Make art! even if your not artistic. Try something fun and new. Fingerpaint, make a mess!
• Garden- do you love nature? Do you have a flower or veggie Garden? Go get your hands dirty and pull weeds and tidy beds. Or go and buy that potted houseplants you’ve wanted forever. If you have house plants already spend some time caring for them.
• Paint you room a new color!
• Follow that makeup tutorial you’ve been wanting to try forever.
• Do yoga. Stretch and connect with your body. Ground yourself
• Practice gratitude for the value of your life!

Try, try again. I both agree and dislike this saying. Some of the most influential people in my life told me again and again, “never give up.” I’ve lived my life by those words. They are positive words, and therefore one assumes that they must have a positive effect, right?!

Let me just stop and ask, what happens when a person who struggles with mental health is told these things? Certainly we don’t want those we love to give up; so are saying these things over and over again truly helpful?

I can only share my experiences with this mentality and the truth is I’ve hurt allot and for along time because of the try harder, try again mentality.

If I can just be better, if I can just have a better day, if I can just be more focused and driven with my personal goals, I’ll beat this. Again all pretty good thoughts, the problem comes in when your driven and determined and yet you just keep failing. Instead of achieving goals you keep falling short and your good days are non existent and you might even be fighting with suicidal thoughts on a daily basis. The try harder mantra plays into the downward spiral of the depressive episode.

I am determined, resourceful and hard working. Yet every day I was barely making it through my day, to drag home at the end of it and try to pull myself together for the same thing next day. This is not living, this is barely surviving and this is certainly not wining at life.

I’ve been told everything: Try harder, dont think negative, your just dwelling on problems, ask God to “fix” me, pray because I have a heart problem, stop being over emotional. Take a natural supplement, exercise, lose weight, eat clean. Allot of these things are good things. Allot of them are very important to me. I certainly want to be right with God. I want to take care of myself, achieve my goals and conquer this vicious cycle.

The thing is all my willpower doesn’t help what chemical processes are going on in my brain and this try harder mentality is just pulling me down more every time I fall short. So all those good meaning people with there suggestions and mantras were actually bringing me down more.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t be positive or understanding but here are a list of things I think would be beneficial.

• Educate yourself! If you or someone you love struggles with depression, or anxiety or any combo of mental health challenges, find a way to educate yourself. In this day and age there is more and more awareness and the sooner you educate yourself the sooner you can prevent yourself from unintentionally saying something to someone that is struggling, that makes them struggle more.
• Don’t substitute prayer or insert religion into a mental health problem to “Take care of it”. If we are sick, we go to the doctor for help. I don’t think medication should be the first option. I think a good counselor or phyciatrist is a good first step. Ruling out any health issues that might be causing or adding to the problem, and in some cases natural supplements can help but if you’ve exhausted all these avenues and your at the end of your rope. Maybe its time to talk to your doctor to see if medication can help. It’s either going to be worse, or better. Don’t give up though, finding the right med, or combo and adjusting is a slow process. You’ve probably been dealing with these things for years,give yourself time!
• Find safe people. If you don’t have people in your life you can trust to open up to. Find a forum or group online. Many people feel supported in this way.
• Don’t second guess or down play the way you feel or let others do that to you either. You know yourself better than anyone, you know what your feeling, but you dont know why. There is always a reason whether we are conscious of it or not. So don’t invalidate those thoughts! Tell someone safe!
• Believe you have worth. When you are depressed your life has no value. If I can get you to believe that you have enough worth to reach out and get help thats the hardest step. Believe me, I’ve been there. If you do find help and get to a healthier place you will look back and wonder why you were ever there. You have value! You have worth! Do not give in to the demons in your head!

Here are a couple of links to organizations I believe in and resources that are helpful! I pray for all those hurting souls out there for healing and peace on your journey!

National Association of Mental Illness

http://www.nami.org

Celebrate Recovery is an amazing 12 step program to help you with hurts, habits and hangups. I encourage you to find your local group today!

https://www.celebraterecovery.com/

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I started 2020 with a ferocious determination to do things differently. The idea being that certain things I’ve been doing for a long time haven’t been working out. It was Albert Einstein that said, “Doing the same thing over and over the same way and expecting different results is the definition of insanity.”

Point taken. So I decided this is the year to mix it up and try responding to situations differently than I might have responded in the past and see if it makes a difference.

Examples of this:

Telling my husband what I’m feeling. Not being passive and getting angry and feeling misunderstood. So far this has been going pretty well, I don’t feel like I’m as resentful. I share what I’m feeling and why and I’m not holding things inside that can fester and turn to resentment.

Not avoiding feelings inside myself. Really working at confronting the skeletons in my closet. This is being done through a women’s step study, and celebrate recovery. As well as working with an awesome licenced counselor. I’m just going to insert here, working with counselors has helped me so much in my life. It has taken me yrs. and several different ones to finally find one that really gets me and is clicking for me, but the work I am doing with her is so, so important. Don’t be afraid to take the step to seek out professional help. Don’t let social stigmas, fear, or that negative voice in your head hold you back from getting mentally and emotionally healthy!

I’m trying to stand up for myself more. I have struggled with having a voice my whole life. I’m a people pleaser and have distorted who I am to smooth down situations my whole life. This leads to me being disassociated and living with 2 versions of myself. An outer chameleon one and my inner true self. This year I am making a habit of trying to be more true to myself and voice my true feelings. I dont want to be confrontational but I also need to start to develop a healthy voice.

An example of this is my Father made a negative, hurtful comment about my weight. In the past I would just carry that and let that hurt build on others. I decided to txt. him and tell him that comment had bothered me and explain why. I was really afraid of doing this but I felt like I had 2 choices. One of them to just take it and hold it in like I have done my whole life, or do something active about it by saying something, either it will go really badly, or it will go ok. Either way I can feel peace that I’ve spoken for myself. To my surprise, it actually went well. He apologized and said that he wasn’t thinking and didn’t want to hurt me. Not a problem, no hard feelings, case closed! What a relief from the old way of carrying around the load of past hurts unnecessarily.

So, this is a work in progress, an experiment in my life. This week I learned that I have been putting allot of pressure on myself with these new goals. I am on prozac for the 1st time and I feel better for the first time in, so, so long! This is such a blessing and answer to prayer! (I will post more about this journey at another time.)

I realized this week in feeling better I expect so much out of myself. This week my body revolted against me. I was so tired and felt sick. I immediately went to the thought process of what’s wrong with me? oh, no I’m feeling “off” again, etc. my husband pointed out, “maybe your just tired.” Wise man, lol! So I slowed down and made resting a priority.

So what did I learn this wk? In spite of feeling mentally and emotionally better, my body is still tired from a life time of fighting with depression and a really rough year in 2019. I have to give myself time to recover and be patient with myself. My recovery is a Journey taken at my own pace.

I have a voice, and in speaking up for myself I don’t feel like a victim to others.

I can share my feelings openly with my husband, and it makes me feel less walled of from him and in most cases betters our relationship because hes not in the dark about what’s going on with me.

Well, here’s to a new week! Cheers!

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some Blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can.

Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. – Emerson

They say, “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” This is true, I have experienced this both literally and figuratively.

As we start a new decade in 2020, we find the world in the midst of many changes, politically, environmentally, socially. There is fear, anger, outrage, and the voices of many. This blog is simply a place for me to share my voice, my thoughts, and sometimes my personal opinions in the hope that in all the craziness that is currently the world, perhaps something in my own personal journey might be helpful, or inspiring or thought provoking to someone else. Some days, actually most days it will simply be the thoughts of my mind rambling along with nothing much important at all and anyone who happens to stumble over my posts will just be along for the crazy ride! Whatever this journey brings thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts!

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton