I started 2020 with a ferocious determination to do things differently. The idea being that certain things I’ve been doing for a long time haven’t been working out. It was Albert Einstein that said, “Doing the same thing over and over the same way and expecting different results is the definition of insanity.”

Point taken. So I decided this is the year to mix it up and try responding to situations differently than I might have responded in the past and see if it makes a difference.

Examples of this:

Telling my husband what I’m feeling. Not being passive and getting angry and feeling misunderstood. So far this has been going pretty well, I don’t feel like I’m as resentful. I share what I’m feeling and why and I’m not holding things inside that can fester and turn to resentment.

Not avoiding feelings inside myself. Really working at confronting the skeletons in my closet. This is being done through a women’s step study, and celebrate recovery. As well as working with an awesome licenced counselor. I’m just going to insert here, working with counselors has helped me so much in my life. It has taken me yrs. and several different ones to finally find one that really gets me and is clicking for me, but the work I am doing with her is so, so important. Don’t be afraid to take the step to seek out professional help. Don’t let social stigmas, fear, or that negative voice in your head hold you back from getting mentally and emotionally healthy!

I’m trying to stand up for myself more. I have struggled with having a voice my whole life. I’m a people pleaser and have distorted who I am to smooth down situations my whole life. This leads to me being disassociated and living with 2 versions of myself. An outer chameleon one and my inner true self. This year I am making a habit of trying to be more true to myself and voice my true feelings. I dont want to be confrontational but I also need to start to develop a healthy voice.

An example of this is my Father made a negative, hurtful comment about my weight. In the past I would just carry that and let that hurt build on others. I decided to txt. him and tell him that comment had bothered me and explain why. I was really afraid of doing this but I felt like I had 2 choices. One of them to just take it and hold it in like I have done my whole life, or do something active about it by saying something, either it will go really badly, or it will go ok. Either way I can feel peace that I’ve spoken for myself. To my surprise, it actually went well. He apologized and said that he wasn’t thinking and didn’t want to hurt me. Not a problem, no hard feelings, case closed! What a relief from the old way of carrying around the load of past hurts unnecessarily.

So, this is a work in progress, an experiment in my life. This week I learned that I have been putting allot of pressure on myself with these new goals. I am on prozac for the 1st time and I feel better for the first time in, so, so long! This is such a blessing and answer to prayer! (I will post more about this journey at another time.)

I realized this week in feeling better I expect so much out of myself. This week my body revolted against me. I was so tired and felt sick. I immediately went to the thought process of what’s wrong with me? oh, no I’m feeling “off” again, etc. my husband pointed out, “maybe your just tired.” Wise man, lol! So I slowed down and made resting a priority.

So what did I learn this wk? In spite of feeling mentally and emotionally better, my body is still tired from a life time of fighting with depression and a really rough year in 2019. I have to give myself time to recover and be patient with myself. My recovery is a Journey taken at my own pace.

I have a voice, and in speaking up for myself I don’t feel like a victim to others.

I can share my feelings openly with my husband, and it makes me feel less walled of from him and in most cases betters our relationship because hes not in the dark about what’s going on with me.

Well, here’s to a new week! Cheers!